Selfish Thoughts

Today, I realized why I stopped blogging. Partly yes, I have been busy, and because I don't think of it often, but mostly because I'm afraid to think. I know, I know, that sounds crazy, especially coming from an over-thinker like me. Nevertheless, sometimes I fear what's in my own head. I'm afraid I'll find out I'm as terrible of a person as I think I am. On the other hand, I have a fear that the picture in my head of how life should be will ruin the life I'm living now.

I want to be perfect in every worldly sense of the term. I want the perfect life: the perfect blog, perfect grades, perfect hair, a perfect face and body, perfect athletic performance, perfect friends, perfect family, perfect game plan for my life. I want to be invincible. I want to know everything, right now. I want, I want, I want.

 I want to be selfless.

From a whisper in my heart, I found something deeper than the superficial desires of my head. It sounds backwards. Everything tells me my brain is the logical one and my heart is the one that only leads to failure. Regardless, it's my brain that says, take on the world, do everything right and everything WILL be right. Then I hear the whisper in my heart: selfless.

I don't know why selfless crossed my mind. Maybe because I constantly think about my life in terms of me. Me, me, me. Yet me is the one I have insecurities about. Me is the one I don't like most. Me is the one I criticize and hate and try to change and try to love just as is. But that's where I'm all wrong. I'll never love myself. Now, I don't mean that in a pessimistic, self-deprecating way. Yes, I have my insecurities, and yes, I also think I can be pretty awesome, but no wonder I hate to think! I only ever think of myself!

So how do I stop it? Of course it's natural for me to dwell on me, especially in the time in my life where I have to figure out what comes next, and it can be scary! But maybe instead of spending so much time on myself, I focus on loving others. The best way to love others is see them through the eyes of their maker, who loves them so much more than anyone can imagine. If I focus myself on the one true, selfless love that is Christ, if I am totally absorbed in him, I will see everyone else through the love in his eyes instead of the bias and pain in mine.

And maybe that can be a New Year's resolution. Instead of trying to get "perfect," I can just work on one thing: loving Christ. He will lead me to the best version of me, with every single imperfection he created me with, and I can learn to love.

Strangely deep post for me, but it's the Christmas season and the end of the year, so why not :)