No Better, No Worse

"Nobody's better than you, and you're no better than anybody."

We love to parrot Mary Mihalic's quote over and over again, but often we forget the significance of the latter half of the quote. In the quest for self-confidence and an understanding of our worth, we repeat over and over: "No one is better than me!" desperately latching our worth to the knowledge that no one is superior to us, we are at the top. The struggle with attaching our identity to outside circumstances means we rely on others' lowness to validate our greatness. Have you ever imagined looking a murderer in the eye and saying, "I'm no better than you!" or a rapist and saying "No one is better than you"? The decent, good part of us might fight for the need of consequences, which are absolutely necessary to an extent, but the evil, selfish part of us wants to crush them, destroy them, remind them that they are in a different category than us.

But they're not in a different category. We're not.

When God looked down on his creation he said, It is good. He did not pick apart each of us, determining only some of us worthy of redemption.

On the cross, Jesus not only died for the repentant thief, but the one who rejected him as well. My tiny understanding cannot fathom it. I struggle to understand his love of flawed me, but of one who spits him in the face?

Yes, but am I not the one who spits on his face? Every time he reaches out to me in love and I choose my selfish desires over his freeing will for me, I hit him. All the moments he whispers to me with a smile and I storm away in anger at his gentleness I choose my cross, and it's not the cross of the penitent thief.

No, there is no one better, or superior to me in God's eyes. Do I treat others as if I was no better than them? Do I love every person knowing in them I am looking on the face of Christ? I must love, and find the joy in loving the unlovable. Then when my eyes look on any face, in the mirror or otherwise, I can know that being no better or worse than anyone else means that all are equally welcome to all of Christ's love in me. 

When Confidence Deserts the Confident

As a confident woman, I lean on my confidence when I'm unsure of everything else. I wake up in the morning with a positive attitude because my abilities and strengths and support mean there's not a reason I have to let the negativity suck me in. I appreciate what I can do for myself and others, and this keeps me going when secondary concerns nag at my traitorous mind. In the midst of contradictions, I know I can overcome because I am capable and I have a strength that comes from Someone else.

Except for when I don't feel it. 

Today and lately my feelings of confidence are wrestling with my insecurities. Me, the strong, confident, capable daughter of God feels stupid, awkward, aimless, and as if I'm failing. Meaningless interactions stick to my brain and poison my understanding of myself. Suddenly I am disgusted with myself and my self-doubt. 

What am I supposed to do when my confidence deserts me? When my entire identity seems to crumble, and my trust fails? This critical part of me can't be gone!

But that's when I know it is going to be alright. Maybe I don't need to feel confident to be confident. Sure, it's something I need to talk myself through, and tell myself it's OK hundreds of times a day, but it really truly is. I have finally discovered the difference between being confident and feeling confident. As long as I remember I am strong and capable, I can survive feeling like a complete disaster. 

The thing is, feelings come and go. That's why the knowledge that I am capable even when I feel useless is more important than the nice bump that comes with a emotional rush. 

Eventually I'll feel confident again. I'll go through a whole hour without second guessing myself, then half a day, then maybe even two. Regardless of when or how I feel better I can carry on with my borrowed strength and love myself with the hope that it won't be dark forever. 

If you listen to nothing else today, at least hear this: you are worthy. Even if you don't feel like it. 

Late Nights and Goodbyes

If I ever leave any kind of mark on this world, I hope I share the uncontainable joy of life.

If anyone learns one feeling from me, I hope the resounding knowledge that no one exists alone fills them.

If a single word I stay nestles into someone's heart, I hope the word is love.

Lately, the inspiration to write a mission statement for myself (in much more casual terms) spins around and around in my head. What kind of person will I choose every morning when I wake up? I choose Christ. I choose passion. I choose the excitement of a child.

Regardless of the past the present holds an infinite amount of things to revel in, to love. I refuse to spend one more day loving less than my abilities allow. I commit a crime every day that I possess this kind of passion and choose a passive existence. The delicious taste of a word on the tongue or the silvery brush of a note against my ear and I suddenly remember why I inhabit this world. God sent me to live with every part of my being and to embrace life with my soul, not merely to shrink and hide from the world around me.

I thank God every day I am here, and I choose to live every day looking and seeing, hearing and listening, touching and feeling. If I die without ever seeing my name in lights, it will be enough if I have lived today.

Goodbye leaves a taste of sweetness when I know it is my chance to love another. My heart no longer switches from one love to another, but expands to fit all. For that reason I often feel it bursting out of my chest, and for that reason I sleep with a smile on my face.

To forever loves. HN-MI. 

Lessons I've Learned on the Road Less Traveled

{I found this draft from a while ago and I figured now is as good as ever to publish it}

Often when people find out I'm 22, graduated college two and a half years ago, and that I'm currently living in my second foreign-country-for-extended-period-of-time, I hear gasps of surprise, amazement, and maybe a bit of fear. "You're so crazy!" they say. I embrace that word, crazy. In that innate desire to be individually and uniquely loved, I live my own life in the way only I can live it. While adjectives "adventurous" and "brave" surface when I receive compliments (or critiques) from my loved ones, I truly feel like I am simply following the road I set out on when I began to search for myself.

When you grow up in a faithfully Catholic household, you find it much too easy to simply accept the truth without really finding your identity in it. God gave me wonderful parents, beautiful siblings, and a life for which I am truly grateful. Regardless of all of my gratitude, nothing any priest, friend, or even my parents say can give me a sense of identity. After years of letting life happen (and happily so!), I realized I needed to figure out my own way. Slowly but surely over the years I have accumulated advice here and there and began to embrace absolutely the miracle of life.

Hazards in high school:

Work ethic that comes from within. No college professors (or very few) worry about whether or not you want to do well. That originates in your passion for learning.

All those people you thought you would never talk to again from high school are still there, and it's never a good idea to burn bridges.

If you want to do something, most of the time all that matters is the follow through. So many people give up before they even have a chance at success.

No matter how many fights you get in with your parents, their opinion will always be the most important.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater: even though close friends might break your heart, do not assume that things have to stay that way forever. It's never too late for second chances, tempered with a good dose of prudence.

Some people will not only make you uncomfortable but will revel in your discomfort. Sometimes standing up for what you believe in involves walking out of a lecture.

Sometimes loving people is not enough, and they can choose to walk away.

As I finished my time in high school graduating with 56 college credits, two varsity letter sports, and a complete lack of direction I still naively felt prepared to face the world, especially since I chose a college 600 miles away from home. Little did I know that it does not matter where you go, you're still stuck with you. The appealing idea of starting fresh with all new people tantalizes the hurting insecure ego, but sooner or later the same hurting insecure ego affects the way you relate with others.

Conquests of college:

Even if you know in your head that that boy just wants something or other from you, it takes your own experiences to learn the truth.

No matter how respectful and obedient you've been in your life, there will be plenty of tempting opportunities to get in trouble. Choose your opportunities wisely.

There's a good chance everyone else in the room feels as alone as you do.

Graduating from college in two years can be exciting but you might just wish you could've stayed a bit longer for those "lifelong friends" everyone talks about. Remember quality, not quantity.

Going to a Catholic school does not mean you will have smooth sailing. In fact, you may have to stand up to others more than you would like.

Partying is fun, but hangovers are painful. The same goes for most choices you make when you are intoxicated.

The approach of graduation might be one of the scariest things in this life.

College began to show me the world beyond my hometown, but I far too easily continued my life as the high schooler I had been not too long ago. Graduating college left me utterly confounded. Fear, frustration, and feelings of failure swirled around me as I thought no other recently graduated student could be as unemployable as me. My decision to go to Ireland gave me a landline, a hope that I finally boasted the infamous "more time" that I needed. That decision also changed my life.

If you have to grieve in a place where you do not know anyone, you have to take a gamble and reach out to that person you've known only two weeks. It is practically impossible to survive mourning alone.

Skyping and calling international are difficult, but making the time to catch up with people back home is priceless.

Surfing, swimming, and fresh salty air can be the best remedies for sadness.

Facing your fears only gets harder the longer you wait. Get off your butt and face your demons.

Isolating yourself emotionally for years will catch up to you eventually. Even if you find the best friends on the east side of the Atlantic, they cannot comfort you when you are forever introspective.

It is never a bad time to ask for help, even if it involves weekly conversations with someone 3400 miles away.

Even in paradise you can be depressed. True happiness comes from within.

Trying to live your faith alone is like trying to swim across a desert. It might feel possible at first, but you will quickly find yourself dehydrated and discouraged.

I am sure (at least I hope!) that I have learned more than these tidbits but I don't got alotta time and I figured I'd put out there what I have. Enjoy or hate it, that's for you to figure out :)

Vaguely Needy and Needing a Hand

I never pictured myself the kind of person to ask for money, and I always assumed that people with life-or-death issues owned the monopoly on this. Now as I make decisions about what I will do next I feel overwhelmed with a sense of the greatness of the world. Who am I in the great scheme of things? On the other hand, who am I to live as if the world was the size of a coat closet? Today, I have to make many decisions, and I barely know what I am going to do tomorrow let alone with the rest of my life. If I were to come forward today and ask for the money that would solve my problems, what could I promise in return? Looking at myself, there are some promises I can say for certain.

I promise to work in whatever job I have with my whole heart, and with loyalty and dedication.

I promise to greet everyone I meet with a smile, sharing with them the pure joy that comes with genuine love.

I promise to get back on my feet when I fall; when I fail I will not stop.

I promise to serve others wherever I am, offering my talents and abilities with generosity and without counting the cost.

I promise to look in the mirror every morning and love who I am, and to take pleasure in looking on the face of a daughter of God.

I promise to reach out to those who hunger and thirst in body and mind, and to attend their needs.

I promise to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night with words of gratitude on my lips.

I promise to work toward success, and when I achieve it to continue to aim higher.

I promise to cling to hope when the darkness seems oppressive.

I promise to be happy, for richer or poorer, confident in the knowledge that I am loved.

Here's the truth, I'm still not the person who asks for money, but I wish to ask for something else. I ask that you share with me something personal: a piece of wisdom, a story of life, a heartbreak, a success, a failure, anything. While life certainly requires money, the most important thing we have on Earth is each other. We look into each other's eyes and can see the face of God if only we stop to look. Share with me so we can honor living together, and I promise to keep my promises. I might never have it all figured it out, but I am confident that wherever this adventure takes me, I am not alone! Come with me, let's love a little.

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free..."

Recently, I led a marketing campaign to sell concert t-shirts benefiting persecuted Christians in the Middle East and I realized how hands off Christianity is here in the United States. Last Friday, the "Day of Silence" promoted by pro-homosexuality campaigns to fight bullying, led to the doors of a San Francisco Catholic school who stated they would not participate. Regardless, the campaign made it onto the school campus and the five Dominican Sisters of Mary who taught there walked off the campus that day. The public, outraged, claimed the sisters were pro-bullying and liars. The ironic bullying and slander of the nuns contradicted the organization's statement that they opposed all bullying, including religious bigotry. Of course, Christians don't count because our church continues to hold the stance that homosexuality is inappropriate.

This organization is helping persecuted Iraqi Christians directly. You can reach them at helpiraq.org

What blows my mind is that this incident is rare. Where are we, in our call to arms? In Iraq, 7 year old children are being beheaded for loving the Lord, and here we are, afraid to say a word and face the repercussions of labels such as "homophobe," "hater," and "freak." Now when I say call to arms, I am in no way advocating any kind of hatred or violence in defense of our faith. The simple act of five nuns walking walking off campus to make a peaceful point caused a stir. We can love others, fight bullying, but we must also remain true to our faith. This means action. No longer can we sit passively and duck our heads when the debate comes up, but how?

The first thing to do is pray. If we truly wish to glorify the Lord, we must follow him and stay unified with his will. He speaks to our souls personally when we come to him. Only then can we expect to be prepared for battle, for the battle for our souls is raging more than ever in the culture.

We must be vocal. Whether this is an issue of contraception, abortion, or homosexuality, we cannot call ourselves Christians when we refuse to stand for what that means. This means studying the catechism and literature of the Church to fight the strongest weapon in the enemy's arsenal: our ignorance.

We have the truth on our side, and the truth is a powerful thing. If the San Francisco media outlets had truly had ammunition against the sisters, they would have paid attention to what the sisters said and responded fairly. The reason today's culture looks so bad leads straight back to the power we have if only we choose to use it. While many souls succumb to the enticing pressures of laziness and self-obsession, we fight a winning fight as the culture grows more desperate and persistent in its attack against Christians. We must love, and sometimes that means standing up and speaking the truth, even to those who hate to hear it.

Do not think I sit here on my soapbox preaching about what others should do while I remain steadfast and strong. For years, I remained passive and shy in my pursuit of truth. Now, my brain woke up and it's feeding my soul. In 2 Timothy 2:15 we read, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth." I'm tired of being ashamed of the stereotype that goes along with being anti-gay marriage. I love all people in that they were made in the image and likeness of God. I do not love gays, or straights, or Christians, or atheists; I love them for who they are, not what they believe. This is hardest when I look at people involved in movements such as ISIS, dictatorships, or even those who try to fight my believes with the misuse of the word "tolerance," but I am not on this earth to pass judgment. I am here to love first and foremost my God, fight for him, and fight for the souls of each and every beautiful creation of his, no matter if they view my beliefs as hatred. The only harm I cause others is their misunderstanding of the truth. It is not my truth, or someone else's truth, it is the truth. Our truth.

Be silent no more.

Horizon Dreamer

A pair of green eyes I can't forget
The brush of your hand long after we met
Arms could have held me
Love I could've been
But I'm a wandering soul,
And I leave you again.

"You give up a few things
Chasin' a dream"
But when your dream
Is the road
What can that mean?
Will I spend looking back
At all that I missed,
Or forget, keep on moving
To ignore my un-kissed.

And now you're numbered
Among one of those
I could've loved
And could've lost
But I left too soon
Now every glance back
Holds the wondering why
But for now I hold onto
My unshed tears
And my pent up joy
And I live for the moments
That you pass me by.

All my choices lined up
Through the years
Tell myself I'll change
Despite all my fears
But Baby didn't I warn you?
You can't tie me down
Blink for a breath
And I'm out of this town
They say you can't catch a runner
God only knows if I'll stop
So say your prayers
Hold on tight
And love the time
That you've got
Because I'm not here forever
I wish I could stay
But my soul search
For savin'
Isn't ending today

So every glance back
Holds a shade of regret
And a pair of green eyes
That I'll never forget.