If you couldn't tell from the title, this is one of those posts that you write (and read) while listening to Maroon 5 while sipping on your bottle of wine (gotta keep it classy). For a while now I've thought about writing this post but it tends to be far more emotionally involved than I like to stray. Nevertheless, the time has come to address what I face and have been facing for years now.
At the "ripe" old age of 20, the fact that I do not, nor have I ever, had a boyfriend is baffling to many people (first and foremost myself). My family always joked that I was afraid of falling in love, that I was a man eater (I did go through a cruel stage in high school) but now I graduated college, settled in for the long haul, and I'm still alone. While right now I'm happy with my life and not thinking of singleness as a "waiting" period, a part of me always wonders. I wonder how girls get in and out of relationships so easily, and how do they find these men just lined up?! I struggle to meet guys, let alone find one I'd one to spend an exorbitant amount of time with! I do yearn for companionship. Although I absolutely love my girlfriends and could not live without their advice and friendship, I imagine having one person dedicated to me to be quite a luxury.
Do not get me wrong, at the same time I don't want to date! Emotional, mental, and social energy go into a relationship, and for an introvert like myself, that sounds absolutely exhausting. I don't want to have to put all my time into someone else, especially when I feel like at times I don't even know what to do with my own life.
Deep down though, I think there's something beyond the superficial reasons that I want someone. Now, there's something I've finally figured out about myself: I fall in and out of love every day. Crazy, right? Here I am, falling in love with a character in a book, a little thing a friend will do for me, my faith drawing me in ever deeper. Falling in love, though, is something involuntary, something that I, as a person who lives my life in a flurry of passions, experience every day. So what's the point of this post? Well, I think there's something more passionate, more intimate, and more involved than falling in love. For me, as a person who guards my heart, whether or not I want to, I struggle to ever let go of it. What I really crave is that person to whom I can give my heart. And that's what I really fear. I don't fear falling in love, I don't want to be a man eater, I fear the person who will take my heart without realizing how rare it is. Like the Maroon 5 song, "if I fall for you, I'll never recover." Really, I won't. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned about relationships, but my logical brain says if a guy doesn't take the time to make want to give my heart to him, it doesn't even cross my mind to even consider him.
I think I've given my heart away, twice, almost. And those two almost times crushed me. I fell in love involuntarily and gave my heart up voluntarily. I still look back with love and pain, I still hear that song and cry, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Even so, as girls continue their serial dating, I can only focus on my life, my family, my God, until a man comes along who's willing to persevere. Since I feel so deeply, I give very sparingly. At times I feel lonely, feel like there's something I'm doing wrong, I know it, but I know that is not true, not one bit. But I want to be swept off my feet! Someone who holds me close and never lets go. I want to fall into love so passionately that I can give him my heart without a second thought! In all of that, I need a man strong enough to break through my defenses and patient enough to coax me out of myself. A man understanding enough to realize what it will mean when I give my heart to him. Until then, I cannot change me, I cannot change my heart. I can only embrace myself for all my gifts and flaws, and wait for a man who will do the same. And when that happens, I never want to say goodbye. I've had so many goodbyes in my life, but I want a hello that will make me stay, forever.
At the "ripe" old age of 20, the fact that I do not, nor have I ever, had a boyfriend is baffling to many people (first and foremost myself). My family always joked that I was afraid of falling in love, that I was a man eater (I did go through a cruel stage in high school) but now I graduated college, settled in for the long haul, and I'm still alone. While right now I'm happy with my life and not thinking of singleness as a "waiting" period, a part of me always wonders. I wonder how girls get in and out of relationships so easily, and how do they find these men just lined up?! I struggle to meet guys, let alone find one I'd one to spend an exorbitant amount of time with! I do yearn for companionship. Although I absolutely love my girlfriends and could not live without their advice and friendship, I imagine having one person dedicated to me to be quite a luxury.
Do not get me wrong, at the same time I don't want to date! Emotional, mental, and social energy go into a relationship, and for an introvert like myself, that sounds absolutely exhausting. I don't want to have to put all my time into someone else, especially when I feel like at times I don't even know what to do with my own life.
Deep down though, I think there's something beyond the superficial reasons that I want someone. Now, there's something I've finally figured out about myself: I fall in and out of love every day. Crazy, right? Here I am, falling in love with a character in a book, a little thing a friend will do for me, my faith drawing me in ever deeper. Falling in love, though, is something involuntary, something that I, as a person who lives my life in a flurry of passions, experience every day. So what's the point of this post? Well, I think there's something more passionate, more intimate, and more involved than falling in love. For me, as a person who guards my heart, whether or not I want to, I struggle to ever let go of it. What I really crave is that person to whom I can give my heart. And that's what I really fear. I don't fear falling in love, I don't want to be a man eater, I fear the person who will take my heart without realizing how rare it is. Like the Maroon 5 song, "if I fall for you, I'll never recover." Really, I won't. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned about relationships, but my logical brain says if a guy doesn't take the time to make want to give my heart to him, it doesn't even cross my mind to even consider him.
I think I've given my heart away, twice, almost. And those two almost times crushed me. I fell in love involuntarily and gave my heart up voluntarily. I still look back with love and pain, I still hear that song and cry, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Even so, as girls continue their serial dating, I can only focus on my life, my family, my God, until a man comes along who's willing to persevere. Since I feel so deeply, I give very sparingly. At times I feel lonely, feel like there's something I'm doing wrong, I know it, but I know that is not true, not one bit. But I want to be swept off my feet! Someone who holds me close and never lets go. I want to fall into love so passionately that I can give him my heart without a second thought! In all of that, I need a man strong enough to break through my defenses and patient enough to coax me out of myself. A man understanding enough to realize what it will mean when I give my heart to him. Until then, I cannot change me, I cannot change my heart. I can only embrace myself for all my gifts and flaws, and wait for a man who will do the same. And when that happens, I never want to say goodbye. I've had so many goodbyes in my life, but I want a hello that will make me stay, forever.
And now you're numbered among
One of the ones I've could've loved and
Could've lost but I left too soon
And every glance behind me
Holds the question why
But for now I'll hold on
To my unshed tears and my unleashed joy
and I'll live for the moments
That you'll pass me by
♥
I love this. So much.
ReplyDeleteSo I should start blogging again?
ReplyDelete