As a confident woman, I lean on my confidence when I'm unsure of everything else. I wake up in the morning with a positive attitude because my abilities and strengths and support mean there's not a reason I have to let the negativity suck me in. I appreciate what I can do for myself and others, and this keeps me going when secondary concerns nag at my traitorous mind. In the midst of contradictions, I know I can overcome because I am capable and I have a strength that comes from Someone else.
Except for when I don't feel it.
Today and lately my feelings of confidence are wrestling with my insecurities. Me, the strong, confident, capable daughter of God feels stupid, awkward, aimless, and as if I'm failing. Meaningless interactions stick to my brain and poison my understanding of myself. Suddenly I am disgusted with myself and my self-doubt.
What am I supposed to do when my confidence deserts me? When my entire identity seems to crumble, and my trust fails? This critical part of me can't be gone!
But that's when I know it is going to be alright. Maybe I don't need to feel confident to be confident. Sure, it's something I need to talk myself through, and tell myself it's OK hundreds of times a day, but it really truly is. I have finally discovered the difference between being confident and feeling confident. As long as I remember I am strong and capable, I can survive feeling like a complete disaster.
The thing is, feelings come and go. That's why the knowledge that I am capable even when I feel useless is more important than the nice bump that comes with a emotional rush.
Eventually I'll feel confident again. I'll go through a whole hour without second guessing myself, then half a day, then maybe even two. Regardless of when or how I feel better I can carry on with my borrowed strength and love myself with the hope that it won't be dark forever.
If you listen to nothing else today, at least hear this: you are worthy. Even if you don't feel like it.
No comments:
Post a Comment